There’s no way we can discuss gay sex education and not take a few moments to talk about the most popular places guys meet for sex/dating and how this makes all the difference in STD infection and communication.

But, to be very clear, not all sexually transmitted diseases are equal. Some are much harder to contract, like HIV, but others, including HEP A, B & C, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Chlamydia, and HPV, will vary with how easily they may be passed on. Please check out our many articles on these specific sexually transmitted diseases for more information.

The most important thing we want to REMIND you of is that contracting an STD, including HIV, is not the end of the world and is not a punishment for your sexual orientation or practices. Regular testing is key. If you test positive for something, make sure to get treated, and if it is curable, take the medication as directed by your medical provider BEFORE having sex again.

If you test positive for HIV, you have many treatment options to ensure you not only have a long and healthy life but also continue having sex without the fear of passing on this virus to them.

Disclosure:

Sexually transmitted diseases should be placed into two (2) groups. Curable and Managed. Most STDs are curable, and every sexually active guy should be tested at least every three (3) months for all of them. If positive, take the medication as directed while abstaining from all sexual activity, and then get back out to play.

Managed STDS are the three (3) Hs. HIV, HEP C and Herpes. These require a conversation. Not everyone is comfortable being sexual with someone living with these illnesses. Also, science and facts have passed many people by, and they must be educated and informed.

Unlike curable STDs, which should not need a conversation (because you have been cured and are non-infectious), managed STDs require more time and effort, with both sides keeping an open mind and being respectful of the other guy’s feelings and experiences. HIV, when treated properly and is undetectable, is now a non-infectious illness, but it is still a suitable method to discuss all options, from condoms and PrEP to TasP.

Bars:

At GMJ, we like bars. We’re kinda ole school in that way. Bars allow you to meet people face-to-face and have an actual conversation. Bars also help you work on your social skills with other gay males without fear or threats to your physical safety. At a bar, topics like STDs can happen and should happen. He is right there, in front of you, open your mouth, and open your ears. 

This may seem like odd advice, but he is a stranger at this point, so you can feel free to test your communication skills with him and learn more about him. If he’s totally against dating or hooking up with someone with HIV or any other STD that you may have, it’s better to know sooner than later. And if you are that guy, it’s better to let him know before things get too intimate.

Dating/Hook-up apps:

No matter how you scratch your itch, there’s an app for that. Some do allow for stating HIV status, and undetectable is an option for a few, but this is self-reporting for the sake of sex.

The information on his profile might be accurate, but it may be outdated or just a pack of lies. If HIV, or any STD, is a factor for you (as it should be, no matter your status), take the time in one of your emails between “Sup…you, lookin’?” and “Can you host?” to ask about his full STD status. No matter what he posted on his profile. No matter his answer, be a gentleman or at least pretend.

(Note: Please stop writing nasty things in your profile; it makes you look terrible and keeps you from getting laid as often as you think you should. Just sayin.)

Sex parties & Clubs/Saunas/Bath Houses:

In the law, there is something called “Assumption of the risk.” This means you’ve decided to accept all risks with a particular activity even if you didn’t know the full range. That’s what happens when you step into one of these places. You are assuming the risk of contracting any and all STDs. Yes. Really.

As the science and research into gay male healthcare and STDs has progressed, so has how we think about sexual risk. But none of this matters if you remain unaware of this information or refuse to believe the facts.

We love when these spaces have STD/HIV testing days and even have condoms and lube readily available, but this is not the time or place to discuss status. They’re crowded, with lots of sexual activity, and you and your questions are making guys lose their boners. You are not helping; you are making it worse because you’ve changed the mood and possibly brought stigma with you. But here are a few things you can do to not cock block:

  • Decide before you leave your home about your safer sex practices and stick to them. Condoms are everywhere. Use them. Make sure he does as well.
  • Remember, in Treatment as Prevention and PrEP, everything is not as it seems. You don’t know why some guys are not using condoms or what conversations they had before. Mind your business.
  • Look around…a lot. Find guys that have the same condom usage habits. I doubt you will be the first or only guy he has sex with that night. What he does with others says what he wants to do with you.
  • Pay attention to your drug/alcohol usage. Too much of a good thing will keep you from making good decisions or even remembering the ones you made. It’s great to have fun, but you must keep your safety in mind.
  • Be considerate. Not everyone is going to do what you want them to. Guys go to these spaces to have sex, not to get a lecture from you about condoms and STDs. This behavior, on your part, makes it harder to get guys tested or even use condoms. If you don’t “click” in that way, say “thanks” and walk away. Also, keep your mouth closed. No one needs you to broadcast your interaction to others. They’ll make their own decisions. This is how stigma grows and keeps our brothers away from public spaces and STD education.
  • Finally, have fun. If this is your first trip, or too many to count, spaces where guys can meet this way are closing daily. If you’ve decided to make this a part of your personal life experience, ensure you truly enjoy it while it lasts. And remember, there is nothing on a man sexier than a smile… and a condom.

Abstinence/Celibacy

Stop laughing.

The reason we place this topic here, under hooking up, is because we understand that some of you aren’t looking just for sex at the above venues. Some of you are thinking of things other than getting him between the sheets when creating relationships; these are valid options for further consideration.

As safer sex goes, not many gay males like to discuss abstinence or celibacy, but they’re viable options. There are many reasons one may choose not to have sexual intercourse, but it seems to be a taboo subject as it relates to STDs. This subject is vital and will be discussed more often. Here, we would like to highlight the differences between the two (non-) sexual acts and remind you that these choices exist.

• Abstinence: the absence of sex/ not always connected to religious views.
• Celibacy: The avoidance of sex and connected to religious views

Either of these practices can be used for a short period or a lifetime. Celibacy is usually considered to occur before any sexual intercourse (a virgin), but not always. One can abstain from sex for a day, a week, a year, or longer. Your words don’t matter as much as why you would take such a vow.

Hopefully, it would not be out of fear.

Before you go

Let’s take a quick moment to discuss HIV stigma. If you are HIV positive, you already know where we are going with this because many of you live with this reality every day. And for that, we’re genuinely sorry.

But, once again, this goes back to the issue of fear. We’ve tried to give you a new form of sex education about this virus and hope that we succeeded in some fashion. Of course, we aren’t saying that you must have sex with someone who is HIV positive or someone negative, but what you can do is be better to your brothers no matter their status.

Cruelty is unnecessary, especially against those literally fighting for their lives.

Currently, all types of anti-stigma campaigns are going on worldwide. We aren’t naïve enough to believe that we alone can change your mind about this topic, but we would like to think that at least one reader has a better understanding of HIV and will not be as judgmental or hateful because for the grace of God, go I.

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