We’ve all heard the complaints other guys make about the gay community, and we’ve all said some, many, or all of them ourselves. Worldwide we hear the same gripes. But, we never hear the exact issues and what we can do to solve them.
Some of the topics discussed in this article are major and impact many guys significantly. And others are smaller, affecting only the people you interact with. But, all of them are problematic and cause other gay males some amount of harm.
It takes two to tango, so we’ll discuss both sides of each complaint. You can only control your actions and responses to the actions of others, but you are not responsible for their actions or how they choose to respond to yours.
We are all adult men, and it’s time we start acting like it and take more responsibility for our own words and deeds.
The Gay Male Community
- there is no such thing
The notion that there is something called “the gay male community” is where all of our troubles begin. This is a myth and not supported by definitions or actions.
Meriam-Webster defines a community as:
A unified body of individuals: such as
a: the people with common interests living in a particular area
b: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society
c: a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society
d: a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests
e: a group linked by a common policy
f: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (such as species) in a common location
There are actual groups of people that fit neatly within one or more of the above definitions, but homosexual males are not one of them on a large scale. Let’s look at a few of those communities to elucidate this point.
The African-American community would fall under sections a,b,d,e, and f. They share a common history within the United States, have created communities where they live in close proximity, share common social, economic, and political interests, and are linked by a common policy.
The Latino/Hispanic population is a bit further away from these definitions because, even though they may share some issues and policies, live in shared communities, and have common social, economic, and political interests, they do not share a common history. They come from twenty different countries, all with their own histories, beliefs, mores, and culture. Even the Spanish language changes slightly among this population. Not to mention that many of these countries have gone to war with each other.
The Asian-Pacific Islander community is furthest away from these definitions. They are bound by one or maybe two criteria. The first is a common homeland: the continent of Asia. But this area comprises over 4.3 billion people hailing from 48 nations. Language is shared within countries but rarely across borders. The same is true regarding culture and religion. And, like Latinos, they have gone to war often with their neighbors. It is a great stretch to call them a “community.”
The so-called gay male community is even further away from the provided definition than the Asian community. First off, we are not a unified body of people. On a large scale, we share one characteristic; we are males who are sexually attracted to other males. Because homosexuality exists worldwide, we don’t share a common history, culture, language, interests, or beliefs. We are not all of the same race or even live in the same neighborhoods. Our core connection is based on our homosexuality and the policies and laws surrounding it. That’s it.
This is not a bad thing, and we are not saying that no gay male communities exist anywhere. We are saying that allowing ourselves to be treated as a monolith creates problems for those within our community who are not in lock-step with the very vocal and influential gays who get the microphone.
There is no single gay male community. There are countless ones across the globe.
- perpetuating stereotypes
We all know the stereotypes about gay males because we’ve heard them repeatedly, and some of us fight against them every day. The supermajority of male homosexuals are nothing like the ones portrayed by the media, “LGBTQIAA” organizations, or at large gay pride events.
There are some stereotypes that, when used effectively, can benefit us on an individual level. For example, the ones saying that we are not dangerous, are tidy, artistic, fashionable, successful, handsome, and white. But these same stereotypes are harmful if applied broadly against every gay male.
Working backward, the average gay male is not white. That is a factual impossibility, considering people of color are the majority on the planet. If we are speaking about success, as most people do, as based on levels of education and personal financial wealth, this myth harms all of our brothers who live at or below the poverty line, have only high school diplomas (or did not graduate at all) or can’t obtain or retain employment.
The ones about fashion begin to lean hard into homophobic tropes of how we are truly females in male bodies or that our natural personality traits are femme and not masculine. These are the ones that keep many guys in the closet, as they can not relate to this vision of themselves because it is not accurate.
Gay males, even within a country or state, all have different needs and issues to be addressed. Forcing stereotypes, even the ones some consider positive, harms the men we claim to love.
- Only one type of way to be gay
The natural progression of promoting stereotypes leads to some attempting to force the idea that there is only one way to be gay and that it is their way. Of course, this is nonsense, but we all have experienced it at one time or another. Like most things, these guys live at the extremes.
On the left, we have the guys who have cemented themselves into every stereotype and version of gay males presented in media and books, fostering a personality based on how others believe gay males should behave. Any deviation from their account means you are self-loathing, a misogynist, a femme hater, and most of all, not being your authentic self.
This group of guys has created a litmus test for gayness that has nothing to do with being a homosexual male. It is based on loving Drag Race, female divas, certain movies and books, and of course, far-left political leanings. They proffer a reality where all gay males shun masculinity, embrace femininity as superior and follow the edicts of the latest fads, trends, and social-political beliefs…AT ALL COSTS.
Not to be outdone, gays on the right also promote stereotypes. But they also are hell-bent on proving how they are against those on the left. They are republicans, support candidates that are anti-gay, may even be racists, and, on some level, homophobic. There are those totally against any sort of anal sex. Not because they personally do not enjoy it, but because they see it as a sign of weakness. Homosexual respectability is the name of their game.
And then there are these guys:
“G0YS (Spelled with a ZER0) are guys who find men physically & emotionally attractive, but (for whatever reason) are offended by the stigmas that currently define the ‘gay community in the public psyche.”
This is all unfortunate, considering the average gay male falls somewhere in the middle of these extremes. He does not want to be forced into either camp but rather to live his life on his terms. There is one thing, and one thing only, that makes a man gay; his attraction to those of his sex. The rest is optional at best, totally bullshit at worst.
- promoting your life as every gay man’s life
This is how most gays come to believe in the myth of a homosexual male community when what they really have is a social bubble comprised of like-minded individuals. On a micro level, this is his gay male community, but the issue arises when he attempts to enforce it upon his brothers worldwide.
If every gay man you have met in your life is exactly like you, thinks the way you do, shares your beliefs, and acts the way you do, this does not mean that every gay male on earth will or should do the same. It is proof that you live in a bubble that keeps you from hearing and learning about the lives of your brothers. You choose to see the world through your lens and force others to do the same. This could come from the left or right of our examples, but either way, it harms other gay males. We are not all the same, and that is wonderful.
- neo homophobia
This is a relatively new development. Within the last ten years, there has been an outgrowth of homophobia within the “LGBTQIAA community.” It posits that homosexual males, being those born both male and only sexually attracted to others born male, must view so-called “trans men” as the exact same as gay males and as acceptable sexual partners. Otherwise, we are quickly and forever labeled transphobic.
The issues with the belief should be obvious. What makes us homosexual is that we are not sexually attracted to those born female, regardless of how they identify. If we were, that would make us bi or pan-sexual. But not homosexual.
There is a small but vocal group on the internet, within every organization that used to support our homosexuality, that attempts to enforce this belief. But they are wrong. The very essence of the gay rights movement, founded by two gay males in Chicago in 1924, is that gay males have the right to choose our sexual partners, but those partners will always be other males. No one has the right to attempt, force, or coerce gay males into having sex with anyone, especially not someone born female.
Those who self-identify as “trans-men” are not taking the rejection they receive from gay males well. It doe not take long before we are called names, slurs, and even sent rape and death threats, as well as our employers contacted regarding our alleged transphobia. We are told that if we do not have sex with “trans-men,” we are not gay. Gay male dating apps such as GRINDR have a policy of banning homosexual males who state they are seeking other homosexual males only.
Recently, companies associated with the leather community, including International Mister Leather and brands like Mr. B in Amsterdam, have created classes teaching gay males how to have sex with and love vaginas. Neo-homophobes attempt to force gay males into sex with those born female by repeating the same tropes from traditional homophobes. Making statements claiming we are weak, not real men, misogynists, faggots, and whores. Then attacking gay male sexual activities as being deviant.
Even calling ourselves same-sex attracted is now called transphobic, and claims are made that the term homosexual was created by the Christian church and used against gays during conversation therapy sessions. The latter part of that statement is a complete and utter lie. “Homosexual” was coined as a term to describe same-sex attracted persons from German Homosexual, from homo- (“same”) + sexual (“relating to sex or sexuality”), coined by Karl Maria Kertbeny in 1868, and popularized in Richard von Krafft-Ebing’s 1886 Psychopathia Sexualis (in German) and Charles Gilbert Chaddock’s 1892 English translation.
Not placing “trans men” within our sexual pool is not discrimination. It is our sexual orientation. Gay males are not attracted to anyone born female, not just those who are trans. It also does not mean that we are against trans rights or equality or do not support causes that specifically affect their community. Those who attempt to make these leaps in connections are harming other gay males.
- unelected community spokesman
Since there is no single gay male community, we can not have a single spokesman, and no one man or organization can speak to the needs of such a varied group of men. They may address particular issues that affect us individually, like HIV, education, poverty, homelessness, and employment. But these are not issues that concern every gay male.
We have chosen no one to speak for us or on our behalf except elected politicians. Not the Human Rights Campaign, GLAAD, Stonewall Uk, or any other non-profit. It would be impossible for any of them even to know how to begin to speak for millions of gay males worldwide. Most have issues doing so for our brothers that live in their city or state. We are all being failed by them because not only have they elected themselves to be our spokesmen and representatives, these organizations are not operated by homosexual males, do not have our best interest at heart, and are responsible for promoting stereotypes, neo-homophobia, and bigotry that affects us, and not them.
As such, decisions are based on funding and not our needs. None of us received a ballot asking if we wished to change our public name from The Gay and Lesbian community to the LGBTQIAA community, or even worse, “reclaim” the slur qu**r. We were not asked if we supported trans rights, wished to be teamed with those who call themselves non-binary, or any of the myriad of new identities that seem to develop overnight that have nothing to do with homosexuality. Who gave these folks permission to co-opt our movement and make such decisions in our name and with our resources?
In 2016, The Huffington Post changed the name of one of its departments from GAY VOICES to QUEER VOICES. This change came under the new leadership of Noah Michelson. Many gay males complained about the change, calling it hurtful to every one of us that was ever called that slur while being beaten and even murdered. Some gay male writers quit rather than have their work placed under such an offensive term.
Mr. Michelson disagreed and stated: “We believe it’s the most inclusive and empowering word to speak to and about the community.”
We question how using a pejorative that is seeped in violence against gay males can ever be called “empowering” for us. As for being inclusive, who in their right mind would want to stand under a slur for an umbrella when so many other words and titles could’ve been used that do not come with such a horrid set of baggage?
Over time, the usage of this slur is slowing, but far too many people still use it. If you wish to use the word to describe yourself, that’s your business, but once you attempt to force others to see it, read it, and especially be called by it, you’ve gone too far. A slur can not be “reclaimed” because it never belonged to the victim, to begin with.
In his final article for the Huffingtonpost, writer James Peron wrote:
“Yes, the word is painful. It was a point-driven home to me with fists and kicks. It was the word vomited at me by bullies at school. It was one of the words, along with “faggot” and “sissy,“ that the gym coaches threw at us. If you didn’t want to put on boxing gloves and hit another kid in the face, you were a fag. You were queer. If someone was queer, it was okay to inflict pain and suffering on them because of it. That message came from staff at school, from coaches, house parents, and the older boys. It was pervasive and universal. Let’s all play smear the queer.
Once you were queer you had no right to live, no right to happiness, and were fair target for anyone needing to boost their own fragile masculinity.
I don’t find the use of the term liberating. I find it traumatic. Maybe if my life experiences were those of the younger team members who run this page, I’d get some cheap thrill out of using the term. I don’t. I just relive a lot of suffering because of it. It is part of who I am; I can’t change what I experienced.”
We wonder how a small group of people were able to force homosexuals worldwide to return to being called a slur, even more openly and publically than ever before, in the name of alleged inclusion. Are gay males not included within this community that we founded anymore? Why are our thoughts and feelings ignored while others are supported and praised?
Even if you individually support every change made over the past fifteen years, this does not mean every one of your gay brothers does or should. It also does not mean that the organizations who have done this had the right to do so. Forcing gay males to walk under this new umbrella is harming them.
- queering of gay male history
An unpopular fact is that homosexual male history did not start in 1969 with the Stonewall riots. It has never been dependent upon the trans community, and almost everything we hear and read about it from the mainstream and “LGBTQIAA” media is false. It is a re-writing of our history to support a current year narrative. Ironically by a group claiming to fight being erased, by literally erasing gay males from our own history and deeds.
Gay males are told every Pride season that we owe our rights to “Black trans women” and that we “owe them everything.” Our favorite taunt is how their community has been fighting and winning our battles as “gay males cried in the closet like little girls,” None of this is true, but the narrative is powerful. Those who speak against it and dare to highlight the truth are called bigots, transphobic, and even Nazis.
Even with the full power of the internet at our disposal and the deeds of our forefathers accurately recounted, with literal proof and evidence, the names of Henry Gerber, The Society for Human Rights (1924), The Mattachine Society (1950), every Black homosexual responsible for the creation of the Harlem Renaissance and so many others worldwide are either lost, ignored or posthumously called transgender because they MIGHT have worn gender neutral clothes, or dressed as the opposite sex.
We’ve even been reading Tweets from trans activists claiming no gay males were killed during the Holocaust, and they were all “transgender women.” In reality, between 5000 and 15000 homosexual males were killed during the Nazi regime and forced to wear a pink triangle to signify their sexual orientation.
Homosexual males have a vibrant tapestry of history. We, individually and collectively, have achieved so much against all odds while fighting the deadliest virus known to mankind. Erasing our achievements is not just harmful to the men who ensured that we have the rights that we do today but also convinces a new generation of gay males that they are powerless. That their community has never achieved anything on their own, and they owe a debt to others that is nonexistent. This definitely is harmful to gay males.
- destruction of all gay male spaces
We love all gay male spaces. We find comfort in being around our brothers, and they are safe and enjoyable. In a homophobic world, it is fantastic that we’ve been able to carve out our own safe spaces where we can touch, laugh, dance, and even have sex with other males without fear of violence, ridicule, or abuse. From gay bars to clubs and saunas, we see them as necessary for our community. And refuse to entertain their dissolution until homophobia is a thing of the past.
Others, mainly of this new generation, disagree. Not just about gay male spaces but even those that cater to the Lesbian and Gay community, away from the straight community. This includes cafes, bookstores, and even dating apps. They believe their time has passed. But, instead of not patronizing these spaces, they actively seek their complete and total destruction. Because they don’t feel the need for them, no homosexual should have access to them. Integration is their focus. But they are not integrating those establishments operated for the benefit of the heterosexual majority. They are laser-focused on reducing the small number of sexual minorities’ spaces, which harms gay males.
If you are doing any of the above actions, the solution is simple; stop doing them. Allow your brothers to be their own men, have their own lives, and live them in ways that make them happy, even if you disagree with their choices.
Stop erasing gay males from our own history and replacing us with trans folks. The facts are out there. Instead of regurgitating lies from social media, GOOGLE “gay male history” and start learning about what genuinely happened.
Every day we choose who we want to be and how we want others to treat us. If you are on the receiving end of any of these negative actions, stop accepting them as facts or a part of your reality. You and only you get to decide what type of homosexual male you want to be because you and only you will reap the rewards or pay the price for your decisions.
Once upon a time, gay men were known for our individuality, but as time has progressed and more guys have come out of the closet, a model homosexual caricature has been created. This man is fiction.
The best thing we can do for ourselves and other gay males is to stop supporting the notion that we are a monolith, have the same beliefs and views of the world and our place within it. It is our diversity that has allowed us to create all that we have. And attempting to destroy all of that in the name of alleged inclusion only creates a hive-mind that will see us all careening off a cliff.
Our sexual attraction to other males is the only thing that sets us apart from our straight brothers, and it is also why we are hated in so many parts of the world and face an almost constant barrage of homophobia. So, the least we should be able to do is get the sex part of our relationships right. Instead, it is the most complicated issue we face individually and collectively. Of course, we can not go into great detail about all of the reasons why but here are our top contenders for worst offenders.
- dating apps
In theory, dating or hook-up apps sound like a great idea. They are a simple and easy-to-use tool that allows gay guys to meet other guys for dating and/or sex. But, like everything associated with social media, anonymity allows for a cascade of bad actors. Humans have proven, time and time again, that consequences of our actions are the primary reason some folks don’t commit the tiniest and greatest crimes. Dating apps remove so many safeguards for our protection and creates a hostile space where all of society’s ills can take form.
Our most significant gripe with dating apps is that they remove interpersonal connection skills like talking, being kind, and attraction based on anything beyond how big a guy’s cock is. So many cannot participate in daily interactions with other gay males because all they know is how to scroll and type “what’s up, you looking?”
All gay male spaces like bars and clubs not only provide a haven for male homosexuals to be ourselves but also a training ground to develop the necessary interpersonal skills we did not learn in a heteronormative world. The apps might allow some to meet those they would not normally have due to location, but at what price?
As always, a poor craftsman blames his tools and not his usage of them, and the same is true of dating apps. If used positively, positive results are possible. But we have not reached that point.
The worst door that these apps have opened is the one directly to our physical safety and homes. Guys are letting total strangers access places they would never allow others—all for the promise of sex. The outcomes are not kind to many of them. Crimes like robbery, burglary, assault, battery, and even murder are not uncommon. Not only are these actions being committed by other homosexual males, but straight folks are using our apps as their hunting grounds. This happens in a nameless, faceless world that tells others your location down to the meter.
We know why guys are on these apps, but we also hear all of you constantly complaining about what it is like to be on them. Some of you are slaves to receiving messages from strangers to validate your looks or desirability. This can’t be healthy, and statistics and research prove it is not.
- discrimination (benevolent racism)
Racism, bigotry, and discrimination are issues worldwide, and why some are surprised it exists in cyberspace baffles us. The exact same people who are bigots in the real world keep this mindset online. Studies show people are more likely to be biased and bigoted online than in real life. And being gay does not mean you cannot be racist.
Unlike the organizations that seek to chastise men for who they do or don’t find sexually attractive, we literally don’t care. As Black and Latino homosexuals, we know two things about this issue they don’t. Firstly, no man of color wants a pity fuck from someone who hates him due to the color of his skin. Sex is a mutual act, and if one of the parties harbors any ill will against the other, it won’t work out well. Secondly, there are many reasons someone will find others of their race attractive and not those outside of it. This does not mean he is a racist; instead, he has preferences. Much attention is focused on white guys who don’t date outside their race, but the fact that the average Black, Latino and Asian guy does the same is ignored.
The entire push to force white guys to date outside their race came from other white people, not people of color. It is borne out of the premise that white skin is so valuable that every man of color automatically desires every white man. Some even went so far as to state that Black gay men don’t date other Black gay men. This is ludicrous.
Date who you want to date, and don’t who you don’t want to date. We just ask that you keep from writing racist bullshit in your profile. It is perfectly fine to say what you are looking for, but it’s a dick move to list all the things you find unattractive and unworthy of your attention.
We prefer to focus on an issue that rarely gets attention; benevolent racism. This is a superficially positive prejudice expressed in terms of positive beliefs and emotional responses, which are associated with hostile biases or result in keeping affected groups in inferior positions in society.
Benevolent racism on dating apps and social media involves proffering stereotypes about certain races and claiming them to be compliments. This includes terms like BBC (big black cock) and the image of Black males as bucks and thugs seeking out white guys to ravage. This is a myth as old as slavery and continues unabated. It sits above views of Latinos as white, in all but name only, sexual experts (hot Latin lovers), and non-English speaking. Asians suffer under the folklore that they are submissive bottoms, craving a white man’s superior cock and tutelage. White guys experience some types of benevolent racism but not as much or on the same scale as other races. But, when you are the victim of these actions, it hurts just as much.
Benevolent racism usually takes one, or both, of two forms. The first is about penis size. That Black men have inhuman stats, and Asians have micro penises. Of course, these are not true, but they lead many to seek out sexual partners based on these lies. When the person doesn’t live up to his expectations, the seeker is known to lash out. Gay males place a significant emphasis on penis size. It shapes our personality, how we interact with others, and even our sexual roles and preferred positions. But what happens when your penis size does not fit the beliefs of your potential sexual partners? When you are a Black man with an average size dick that doesn’t want to be an overly sexualized aggressive top, seeking to destroy white guys’ tiny pink holes.
This leads directly to expectations of another’s personality, ability, aptitude, and intelligence based on his race. Asians are believed to be super intelligent and great at math and electronics, while Latinos are proffered as hard-working but only have minor skilled physical labor jobs. Black men are the big bucks. They are not very smart and have lots of anger and aggression that comes out when they have sex. And white guys are all rich, intelligent, successful, and handsome.
These stereotypes are just as harmful as any others. And they are harming your gay brothers.
- STDs (stigma)
We’re all adults and have sex. Contracting an STD, a sexually transmitted disease/illness, is just as natural as the act of sex itself. Before the Age of AIDS, gay men understood this. And so did many of our governments. Across the United States and Western Europe, sexual healthcare clinics were common. But, when we needed them the most, they shut down due to fear.
HIV became the singular focus and has shaped each one of our lives over the last forty years. The stigma afforded this one illness has been passed on to all the others. Monkeypox is the latest to be added to our list.
Contracting an STD, including HIV, is not a punishment from god, what “whores deserve”, the only possible outcome from having multiple sex partners or any other negative comments you are told. Anyone can contract an STD at any time, even their first time having sex. We have counseled many young gay men who were infected with HIV after their first and only sexual encounter. And we also know many guys who have multiple partners each weekend but never had HIV or any other STD. Life is weird that way.
We can stop every STD in its tracks whenever our community chooses. But, it will take all of us acting together for the good of ourselves and our brothers. It starts with getting regularly tested for ALL STDS every three months, even if you do not have symptoms. If you receive a positive result, you must take the medication as prescribed and not have sexual contact or intercourse until you are medically cleared. Yes, it is that simple.
The most significant hurdle is getting guys to have faith in the science and medical community, which is harder for some than others. The stigma around HIV is not just based on outdated and even homophobic beliefs about those living with the virus, but guys not trusting that those on effective treatment, achieving an undetectable viral load, can not pass on the disease sexually. It is proven to be impossible. But none of this matters if you don’t believe it.
We are experiencing the same issue with PrEP and PeP. These medications are proven to prevent contracting HIV, but those most in need either do not believe the science or cannot obtain the medication.
We have lost track of how many gay guys have spoken to us socially about their fears and loathing about men living with HIV, just to see them professionally once they themselves have contracted the virus. Stigma harms us all and keeps us from having great sex lives free of fear. The world has changed significantly since the Age of AIDS, but none of these achievements mean anything if we are all living like it’s 1992. It’s harming other gay males.
- sex shaming
This is an all too common occurrence. Someone doesn’t like the type of sex other guys are having. They believe they have too many partners or make the community look bad by engaging in certain acts.
The fact that homosexuals, who have oral and anal sex with other males, attempt to police the sexual lives of anyone else, is laughable. We have been ostracized, imprisoned, murdered, and told we are going to hell for our sexual acts. And now, some of you think you hold the moral high ground on sexual activities?
If you don’t like a particular sexual activity, don’t do it. If you limit the number of sexual partners you find appropriate, stick to it, but do not attempt to force your standards on others.
Minding your own damn business about the sex lives of other gay males is a beautiful way to live life.
- drugs/alcohol abuse
Over the years, we have discussed the problem of drug and alcohol abuse within our community, but always from the perspective of the harm abusers are doing to themselves. But, these actions can also have a negative effect on the gay males they surround themselves with.
Alcoholics and drug addicts are problematic friends and partners to have. Their actions can sometimes even be criminal, as they are known to steal from those they claim to love, physically and emotionally harm them, and are verbally abusive.
This is why interventions are based around the harm abusers subject their victims to, hoping this knowledge will spark some sort of change in their behavior. It works for some but not for most. Those who abuse substances can not control their words or actions, which harms the gay males they are around.
No setting is a better example of this than the “party and play scene.” Everything from sexual abuse, assault, battery, and robbery have been known to happen at these functions. The purpose of gathering for sex is overridden by the desire to use drugs. Some are casual users and most likely to be victimized by those who are actual substance abusers.
These actors are not confined to specified parties and are well known to be a significant part of the gay dating app scene. They are not looking for sex or love but for drugs and an opportunity to commit crimes.
- bi-sexual/pansexual coercion
We are at a loss to explain how there could be members of our community who attempt to coerce known male homosexuals into sex with anyone born female, but it is happening more and more. Under the guise of inclusion, individuals, parties, clubs, and even LGBTQIAA organizations attempt to socially pressure gay guys into sex with “trans-men.” The UK trans organization Clinik even created an online program detailing how their community could trick homosexual males into sex. Testimonials of people claiming their success followed this and that others should follow in their path. We contacted this organization and informed them that their actions are legally called sex by deception, which is illegal. The program is no longer on their website, but the damage is done.
Most troubling, we find that the greatest proponents of gay males being coerced into sex with “trans men” are gay men in stable, long-term, committed, and monogamous relationships with other homosexual males. Thus, they will never have to live by the belief systems they are attempting to foster in their brothers. The other vocal group is guys who label themselves as everything from bi-sexual, pan-sexual, and sexually fluid to queer. In their own words, “all we want is for gay men to reexamine why they only want to have sex with other’s assigned male at birth.“
These are the words of homophobes and people practicing conversation therapy. We are homosexual, and any attempts at even suggesting we should have sex with anyone born female violates our rights and various laws and policies in the western world.
Who you choose to have sex with is your business, and who gay males choose to have sex with is ours. It is literally in our name; homosexuals are same-sex attracted, and anyone who says differently harms other gay males.
A society is only as strong as its weakest members. The internet, through social media and dating apps, has given a voice to some of our community’s most vocal but dangerous members. Loud does not equal right. More gay men need to start speaking out against these sexual ills and, at the very least, stop having sex with the men who commit them. If you genuinely believe Black lives Matter and that racism is terrible, stop having sex with racists. Yes, it’s that simple.
The easiest thing we all can do is mind our own business regarding who others choose to have sex with. It does not concern us. And it never will. Homosexuality is not up for debate, nor should anyone feel coerced into sex with the opposite sex, no matter how they identify.
Every day we teach people how to treat us. If you allow others to make demands on your sex life, be racist towards you, or do anything else you don’t like, but do not stand up for yourself, you are not a victim. But instead, a volunteer. What you allow to happen will continue.
It’s no secret that gay male relationships spoil faster than milk left on the counter overnight during a summer heat wave. For those who are able to even get into relationships, statistics show they last around three months. The median of gay relationship lengths, as detailed in the three most extensive studies on the topic, is 3.6y (Lau, 2012, UK), 4.7y (Carpenter & Gates, 2008, US), and 2.7 (Gebhard & Johnston, 1979, US). These numbers are significantly lower than our straight brothers.
In an article for Pride magazine, Zachary Zane discussed his top ten reasons why gay male relationships don’t last. Click HERE to read it in full.
We have chosen to address the two major issues affecting gay males in relationships that their partners create.
Some guys play fast and loose regarding their adherence to monogamy. Cheating, or being unfaithful to your man, is not the same as being in an open relationship or having an “arrangement.” Instead, it is when one man has promised his partner that he will not have sexual relationships with other people and then breaks his word. The sex of the other party does not matter. Cheating is cheating.
Cheating breaks your man’s heart and his ability to trust other men. It feeds into feelings of inadequacy, unattractiveness, loneliness, and inferiority. The man who cheats knows this will be the outcome of his actions, but he doesn’t care. No one accidentally has sex outside of their relationship. And no, things don’t just happen. Someone must instigate them. One of the worst things you can do to a gay man is to cheat on him. It would be much better for you to end the relationship and not destroy his ability to trust or love without fear.
We can not think of anything worse a gay male can do to another than be abusive. When most think of abusive relationships and interactions, they only consider those involving physical violence. This is not an accurate depiction of the lives of those in such relationships. Abuse covers various actions, from verbal and emotional abuse to financial and sexual coercion and gaslighting. Threats regarding any of the above, even if they do not come to fruition, are still acts of abuse.
The gay male community has a significant but ignored issue with abuse by strangers and loved ones. Because we are male, everyone from society at large, police officers, and the legal system defines physical abuse against us as mutual combat, more often than labeling it a crime. Even the non-profits formed by gay males to specifically address this issue, like The Anti-Violence Project, prefer to focus on the issues facing the trans population and those born female. Their main chapter in New York City doesn’t even have gay male counselors or therapists on staff. Only females.
Programming for gay male abuse victims is practically nonexistent, and the same can be said for shelters, funding, and mental health services for survivors. Often, gay males who claim to be victims will be labeled as liars or perpetrators.
Those most at risk are usually younger, smaller in stature and size, than their abusers. When race is factored in, those in mixed relationships have an imbalance of power and believability. The white partner is almost always believed and considered the victim, regardless of evidence. Jeffery Dahmer used this fact to his advantage on multiple occasions. From his sexual and murderous killing spree lasting from 1978-1991, he took the lives of 17 young males. The majority of whom were men of color. On three separate occasions, police officers took his word over his victim’s pleas, leading to their ultimate demise at his hands.
Physical abuse begins early within the gay male community and exists within our bars and clubs, with unwanted touching, groping, and sexual assaults. Forcing oneself upon strangers considered to be physically attractive or dressed provocatively is viewed as a perk of being a gay man.
We can not rely upon the police, legal or non-profit system to look out for us, which means we must begin to do so for ourselves. The first step is to stop accepting any form of abuse as a natural part of homosexuality because abuse is abuse, no matter the source.
Learn to be a better man. Stop harming other gay males you claim to love either verbally, physically, emotionally, or psychologically. Seek help from a licensed therapist if you are either the perpetrator or victim of domestic violence.
Far too often, we are our own worst enemy. It’s hard to look inside ourselves and see that we are the cause of many of our problems and those of our brothers. We can not keep blaming others for the harm and damage we do to each other. Straight people are not doing these things to us; we are.
Sometimes the solution is as easy as STOPPING what we are doing. Or at least slowing down and considering the consequences of our actions. No one is perfect, but we can’t begin to address our problems until we admit they exist.
Be better to your brothers, and be better to yourself.
Tags: abuse/IPV, drug/alcohol abuse, gay relationships, gay sex, gay sex shaming, neo-homophobia, STD, stigma