1. This is an online dating app for people looking for long-term relationships.
  2. When seeking a long-term partner, judgments about sexual history are high
  3. People lie!
  4. The final sentence from OKCupid is very homophobic and sex-negative
  1. Do you have a healthy sex life or one at all?
  2. Are you regularly tested for all STDs?
  3. Do you take precautions that are right for your lifestyle, like PrEP and condoms?
  4. If you are HIV positive, how well is your health, and are you undetectable?
  5. Do you enjoy the sex you are having?
Psychotherapist Specializing in Gay Men’s Mental Health

“Gay male couples tend to approach sex differently.  We all know that gay male couples are much more likely to entertain the idea of, or even be, in a non-monogamous relationship.  Part of this is cultural and historical; part of this is the nature of men’s sexuality in general (hey, truth be told, MANY more straight men would be non-monogamous if given the opportunity by their wives, as I have learned from working with straight men in my practice, and some (just like gay men) take that prerogative even if it’s directly violating a monogamy agreement).  Gay men are much more likely, in general, to only “not” be appalled at the idea of another person (man) having sex with their partner/spouse but to be turned on by it.

Gay men have a greater capacity (in general) for “sport sex” and less about foreplay; they can separate sex from love more easily.  Without a woman’s particular sexual makeup in the equation, it changes the sexual equation.  You really can’t directly compare a straight couple’s sex life with a gay male couple’s sex life. Some things don’t “translate” culturally, physically, socially, emotionally, etc.  So, part of my job in couples counseling is to help gay men understand this and to avoid making direct comparisons to straight relationships all the time (some of the time is OK, particularly in confronting double standards and internalized homophobia).

Part of my expertise as a gay men’s specialist therapist is to understand the special cultural considerations of gay men, by this point in my life and career, in extreme detail of “cultural competency” of psychotherapeutic/clinical social work practice.  By validating to a gay male couple that their sex life must be discussed not only “apart” of any heteronormative expectations but also independently of even OTHER gay male relationships they might know of, the couple can be reassured that the decisions and practices they make are unique and customized to them.  There is no one proper “cookie-cutter” sex life for gay male couples that fits all.”

“While this is also true for straight couples, issues of monogamy, frequency, type of sex, the “vanilla-versus-kink” spectrum, BDSM, and even time management discussions differ.  While this is not necessarily unique to gay men, a big factor can be finding time for sex, when often both partners are busy, high-level executives or professionals who work extraordinarily long hours or have jobs that require frequent travel.”

Slut shaming

No matter what your personal sex life is like, you don’t have the right to judge others. We have enough of that coming from outside of our community. Slut shaming doesn’t do any good for anyone but says more about you than the person getting his groove on. Mind your own business.

So, what is gay sex?

An intimate physical act between two (or more) guys who are enjoying their bodies and companionship is also the most defiant thing you can do in this hostile world. GO OUT AND GET LAID!


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